she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
