if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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