I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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