I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
