Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
