Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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