just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
