Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
