Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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