It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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