After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
