She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
