ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
