at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
