went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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