Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
