I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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