is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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