I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
