i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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