you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
