He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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