my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
