cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
