i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
false alarm. still invincible.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
