You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You left your phone here
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