I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
