ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize