broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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