My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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