we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
