I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
