you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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