just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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