Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Randomize
