my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
