I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
