Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
