Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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