I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
