Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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