ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
