i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
