He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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