Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
