God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
