im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
