plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize