the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
