the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So apparently I’m into choking now
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
