i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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