I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
