I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
