Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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