I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
