so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
